It’s the Carpe DC Bandits and we’re here to help you win that March Madness office pool. Now, you could listen to the hundreds of college basketball know-it-all’s like Dicky V, Joe Lunardi, Jay Bilas (actually, listen to him–anyone who drops a Young Jeezy lyric for morning motivation is good in our book.) The fact of the matter is this, absolutely no one knows how each game will turn out. Everybody is guessing and speculating. Therefore you should hold our bracket in the same regard as you would theirs. At least we don’t get paid to mislead you. We do it for the love.
But there is a catch. We aren’t building a bracket based on the talent on the court, no. We’re building a bracket based solely on the mascot most likely to win in a head-to-head death-match.
We start in the South Region with the tournament’s top seed.
South Region Mascot Winners
1. Virginia Cavaliers vs 16. UMBC Retrievers. A decision almost as easy as picking this matchup based on talent. A cavalier equipped with its sharp-ass saber will slice and dice even the most ferocious retriever. I love dogs too… but not in this fight.
2. Cincinnati Bearcats vs 15. Georgia State Panthers. Full disclosure, I’m an alum of Georgia State University, but I know how to maintain my objectivity. A panther we all know, but a bearcat is the unfortunate mix of a bear and house cat. Basically a punk animal. Panthers feast on tasty bearcat meat here.
3. Tennessee Volunteers vs 14. Wright State Raiders. Come on this ain’t even close. Raiders are savages. Tennessee volunteers as tribute for the slaughter.
4. Arizona Wildcats vs 13. Buffalo Bulls. “S”’s matter here. We’re talking about a pack of wildcats against a pack of male buffalo. Going with size here. Watch out for the stampede.
5. Kentucky Wildcats vs 12. Davidson Wildcats. In the case of a tie we turn to politics. The most well-known politician from Kentucky versus the one from North Carolina. While Rand Paul is known, Mitch McConnell has been doing this shit since 1985. Seniority wins. Does Richard Burr or Thom Tillis ring a bell? Coin toss goes to Burr. So does this match up. Can you see Mitch McConnell winning a fight? Davidson wins thanks to McConnell failing to represent his state well.
6. Miami Hurricanes vs 11. Loyola Chicago Ramblers. Miami’s animal mascot is an American White Ibis. Loyola’s mascot is a fucking wolf. Next.
7. Nevada Wolfpack vs 10. Texas Longhorns. Another group fight here. Nevada’s mascot is a pack of fucking wolves. Next.
8. Creighton Blue Jays vs 9. Kansas State Wildcats. I wonder if Blue Jays taste like chicken? We’ll ask the Wildcats after they feast.
Let’s Go West. Now playing “The King of Wishful Thinking.”
1. Xavier Musketeers vs 16. Texas Southern Tigers. A group of dudes with muskets will be tough to beat even for a pack of tigers. Shere Khan might surprise one musketeer but Musketeers role at least three deep.
2. UNC Tar Heels vs 15. Lipscomb Bisons. Because I’m a huge Duke fan it gives me much joy to announce that there is no way in hell a mountain goat beats a bison. Eat shit UNC.
3. Michigan Wolverines vs 14. Montana Grizzlies. No X-men characters in this fight. Ain’t no beating a Grizzly Bear.
4. Gonzaga Bulldogs vs 13. University of North Carolina Greensboro Spartans. THIS IS SPARTA!!!
5. Ohio State Buckeyes vs 12. South Dakota State University Jackrabbits. Brutus the Buckeye is the anthropomorphic version of a nut. But this ain’t Bunnicula. The dude-nut wins.
6. Houston Cougars vs 11. San Diego State Aztecs. No, we’re not talking about those cougars. Maybe those cougars could seduce Aztecs but the animal cougar is food to those ancient savages.
7. Texas A&M Aggies vs 10. Providence Friars. Friars are poor. Aggies is Lassie. Lassie wins, duh.
8. Missouri Tigers vs 9. Florida State Seminoles. This is a tough one. It really comes down to home turf. Because tigers are a higher ranked team the question becomes: could seminoles walk into India and emerge victorious? Seminoles couldn’t even defend their home land. Tigers get the edge here.
It’s a Midwest swaaaaaang!
1. Kansas Jayhawks vs. 16. Penn Quakers. This may be revisionist history but didn’t the quakers flee Europe because of religious persecution? Thou shall not kill, right? I like Jayhawks in a fight against peaceful folk.
2. Duke Blue Devils vs. 15. Iona Gaels. I don’t even know what a Gael is. But the only thing beating a devil is God. Can I get an Amen?
3. Michigan State Spartans vs. Bucknell Bison. THIS IS SPARTA!!! Sparty kicks the shit out of the Bison.
4. Auburn Tigers vs 13. Charleston Cougars. I like a tiger in a big cat fight.
5. Clemson Tigers vs 12. New Mexico State Aggies. Tigers again.
6. TCU Horned Frogs vs 11. Syracuse Orange. There is not enough vitamin-C in the world to protect an orange from a hungry horned-frog.
7. Rhode Island Rams vs 10. Oklahoma Sooners. Okay, tough matchup here. Sooner was the name given to Midwest settlers back in the day. However, Oklahoma’s mascot is a pony. Rams have those curled-horns, while ponies have strong legs. Go Rams.
8. Seton Hall Pirates vs 9. North Carolina State Wolfpack. Blackbeard and the boys know how to handle a pack of wolves. Wolves walking the plank in this one.
Eastbound and NOT Down!
1. Villanova Wildcats vs 16. Radford Highlanders. A highlander is a person who lives–wait for it–on high lands. Assuming these highlanders don’t carry weapons I have to give the edge to a group of wildcats.
2. Purdue Boilermakers vs 15. Cal State Fullerton Titans. A boilermaker is a trained craftsman who produces really cool shit made out of steel. And a titan is basically Kronos. Mortal craftsmen versus immortal titans? Titans, Duh.
3. Texas Tech Red Raiders vs 14. Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks. Big tall dudes with axes versus shifty, crafty savages? Give me the savages.
4. Wichita State Shockers vs 13. Marshall Thundering Herd. Shockers win, in what shouldn’t be a shocker to you.
5. West Virginia Mountaineers vs 12. Murray State Racers. A racer is a horse and a mountaineer is resourceful son-of-a-gun with a gun. Paow Paow!
6. Florida Gators vs 11. St. Bonaventure Bonnies. A Bonnie is a wolf. Unless this wolf is Nymeria or Ghost it doesn’t stand a chance against gators.
7. Arkansas Razorbacks vs 10. Butler Bulldogs. Bulldogs are fat and slow, plus they tire easy. Razorbacks are big vicious pigs with horns. Oink-Oink MF’er!
8. Virginia Tech Hokies vs 9. Alabama Crimson Tide. I still can’t believe UGA lost to Alabama. Virginia Tech will too. No way a turkey beats an elephant. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE BEAT ALABAMA!! SHIT!
We’ll end the analysis there. We will submit our bracket on ESPN and track our success against the rest of the field.